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[01 Dec 2008|09:18pm] swebz [ mood | sore ] My dad's alcoholism is really starting to wear on me. He has been mean every day since Thanksgiving, for the sole reason that he has been hung over every day since Thanksgiving. He cheers up when he is drunk again, until he gets so drunk he's just mad, and then is whiney and sick all over again. He bought me some margarita mix for the long weekend and used that as an excuse to buy a whole liter of tequila, plus a half pint of Cuervo for himself. Well... I had like, 2 margaritas in two days, so that didn't amount to more than a few ounces of tequila. Halfway through the weekend, all of it disappeared, though, so he bought another liter... and another half pint of the good stuff. Is it any wonder why you feel like crap? And you know, if you feel horrible after a hard night of drinking, why would you repeat it the next night? Why would you repeat it several nights in a row? Do you expect the outcome to be different? I think I will always have to be the type of person people make fun of for not being able to hold her liquor well. I can't end up like this. I haven't been drunk in a long time, the last time I was up in the night dry heaving and felt HORRIBLE the next day, and for me the horrible feeling the next day outweighs being happy and drunk the night before. I do like alcohol, I enjoy a drink to wind down after a hard day, or to enjoy with a nice dinner, but that's about it. I pray that never changes. Thanks for your comments about the big long sex entry. And if you haven't read it, please do, people really need to know this stuff about me. Speaking of which, I was reading my comments following the entry and the top had a big banner ad that was like "ARE YOU A SEX ADDICT? TAKE THE QUIZ!" I know it was just there because I said "sex" so many times in my entry, but based on the content of my entry... ohhhh funny. post comment

so i'm singing for freedom [30 Nov 2008|05:55pm] swebz [ mood | thoughtful ] [ music | 89.5 ] I just read an article online about how there is a sudden surge in people naming their babies Barack Obama. Or part of the name. Now why in the world would you do that? Sure, I like the guy, sure, I voted for him, but we don't even know that he's gonna be a good president! What if he ends up being terrible, far worse than Bush, and you're stuck with a kid with his name forever? I have had a good weekend. I am sad to see it come to an end. It was so great to just relax, for once. I don't feel like I got nearly enough done. I have been reading my Bible a lot though, for once, and for the first time in my life I'm finding that I can't put it down! One thing I've been trying to reconcile within myself lately is sex. I mean, sex is EVERYWHERE. You can't avoid it. We as a society are completely saturated in it. Ok. So I'm also a sex ed intern at Planned Parenthood. So I'm dealing with sex and matters of sexual health ALL THE TIME. A lot of Christians have a hard time swallowing that, because we have rules about sex. How can I just be condoning it for young teenagers! I don't feel that I am. I feel that every human being has the right to know how his or her body works, and for the sake of our health and our futures, we all need medically accurate education regarding sex, pregnancy, and STIs. To deny someone this basic right just because you have your own specifications as to when and where sex is appropriate in someone's life is completely ridiculous. Whether or not I think someone should be having sex, I know that telling someone not to won't make it so; throughout history that strategy has never worked well. People at least deserve knowledge so they can choose to be safe about it. So in previous months, I've completely lost my sex drive. I've dated guys, I've had intercourse and otherwise been sexual with them (keep in mind being sexual means a lot more than just intercourse) but now it's totally gone. Some say it's because I've never had what we'd call "good" sex. Some say it's because I'm on an antidepressant and those are known to kill your sex drive. My dear friend Donna says that God has cut off those urges in me so that I can focus on more important things and wait for the right man to come along. I've added to her theory "...or if no one else comes along." I think it's probably all of the above, in some way. This has been a hard thing to reconcile within myself. I mean, we are taught that not craving sex constantly, especially at my age, means that something is dreadfully wrong. Lack of sexuality is always made fun of or looked down upon. When I was still a virgin, I was made fun of CONSTANTLY, and my friends actually pitied me! Since having lost it, I am neither proud nor ashamed. It is what it is. People pity me again now that I haven't been sexual at all in nearly a year, and they are concerned by the fact that it doesn't bother me. I started thinking "OH MY GOODNESS WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME" and started reading up obsessively about asexuality, and for a short while claimed I was asexual. But after thinking and praying about it, I'm not. That doesn't fit. I'm just not sexual right now. Yes, it CAN happen. Yes, it's okay! Maybe God is calling me to just not even go there at this time in my life. I'm not making any abstinence-until-marriage vows, because I have no idea what the future holds. I never liked the idea when I was younger, I thought to myself "Yeah, well what if God never brings me a husband? Then what? Just die a virgin?" I mean, in our culture, MOST DREADFUL THOUGHT EVER! Right?! Sometimes I think that if God had a hand in the relationships I've had (and based on my choices in men, I often doubt that he did) that maybe I had them so that I would stop whining about being single, about not knowing about these matters. So I know now, and I know that it's something I actually CAN live without! The guys I've dated have not been Christians, and I've come to the conclusion that I can't do that anymore. I mean, they were respectful of what I believed, but they just didn't get it, know what I mean? "But to narrow the pool to only Christian men! Seriously, do they even exist? *Real* ones? There are so few of them, I will never find one. I have a hard enough time snatching ANY man! Your request is completely impossible, God." But maybe God is calling me into purity from here on out, until that day comes, if that day comes. Maybe I really could do it, even. I'm not trying to alienate, condemn, or praise anyone else for their own sexual choices. In fact, I'm all for talking about it if anyone else is comfortable enough to share with me, regardless of how different they feel. (I have to post that disclaimer, I have a very vain friend who thinks that everything I write about is about her... You know who you are, and I honestly was not thinking of you until just now) :D :D :D But it applies to anyone, really. I have finally found peace in my celibacy, and this is right for me right now. And I don't care who knows it! 5 comments|post comment

happy t-giving [27 Nov 2008|08:33pm] swebz [ mood | content ] I would say a pretty good day went down. First things first was work. It was easy. I felt like it was too easy and that I wasn't doing enough. But I am kind of inept at mornings because I always work nights. It was snowing horribly when I drove to work and I was really nervous because I knew I'd have to drive a client out to Esko. The work van is rear-wheel drive and it is TERRIBLE in the snow. It is huge so it fishtails everywhere and spins its tires a lot and you can never stop in it. Luckily the snow stopped so it wasn't too awful by the time I had to go out. When I got back only one client was still at home (there are 4 in the house total) so the last couple of hours were boring. I drove to get cigarettes for the nurse who couldn't leave because there was nothing else to do. I came home and fell asleep, though I swore I wouldn't. Rust was all cuddly on my bed and I just couldn't help myself. I woke up when the company arrived and staggered out to the kitchen to attempt groggy conversation. Just my grandma and uncle usually come on Thanksgiving, if anyone comes at all. This year my uncle brought Debbie, his... friend? Girlfriend? I honestly have no clue and neither does anyone else. But I don't really care because she is a cool lady. She has cats, so she loves my cats, and Sassy really liked her which is saying something because Sassy does not like many people and especially not right away. Sassy fell asleep on Debbie's coat, even. My uncle seems ok so far, though he's been having pretty intensive chemo treatments. He didn't seem sick or tired or anything and he looked ok too I thought. It is just weird still because he has lost so much weight this past year, he's about my dad's size now where before he had a belly down to his knees. We didn't talk much about the cancer, I don't really know what to say about it because I still haven't really felt anything about it. It troubles my mind, but it hasn't broken my heart yet, if that makes sense. And the fact that it hasn't troubles my mind even more. I am really glad he has Debbie though. I met her briefly before, she came out here one other time and he has talked about her. She lives in his apartment building and helps him out and stuff. Today I also found out that she has battled lung cancer as well... twice. So she is a good person to have around while he deals with this, I think. All in all though, good day, good food, good company. Usually Thanksgiving makes me kind of sad, I don't know why. Like it is... unfulfilling somehow. This year it didn't seem like that at all. There are a lot of things that I am thankful for, but I am not really in the mood for a long sappy post about how much you all mean to me, because I'm hoping that you know. Most importantly, I am thankful for GOD because through him I have all of you to be thankful for. He has given me everything that I have. I'm thankful for the blessings as well as the pain, because the pain is what brings me closer to him and further multiplies the blessings the more that I know him. He has been teaching me so much in the past few months and I have grown so much... I don't even know how to explain it. It's better than it's ever been. Tomorrow I get to drive my sister to work. She works at the mall, and has been warned to get a ride because there will be no parking. I am kind of scared of all the traffic, yet intrigued at the same time since I don't have to actually go inside. 2 comments|post comment

[26 Nov 2008|05:50pm] accompaniment friends only! 4 comments|post comment

happy thanksgiving eve! [26 Nov 2008|01:22pm] swebz [ mood | waiting... ] Well, I didn't cry when I met with Mimi and I also didn't fall into a coma. So I guess all is well. She talked me into confronting my instructor about what happened yesterday in class. I told her "I don't want to do it via e-mail, because that is cowardly" but she was like "But you're a good writer..." so I did. I came home from work, had a drink to calm my nerves, and carefully constructed a message which chewed her out in the most respectful way I know how. ...And now I haven't heard back yet. I have been obsessively checking my e-mail today because I am terrified of what the response may be, and I just want to get it over with. I have never had a bone to pick with a teacher before, and I don't typically get in trouble with my teachers either, so this is kind of a big deal. I am thinking it shouldn't be hostile. My e-mail was not hostile. It was honest, but respectful. I try to do this whenever I have a conflict with anyone. Usually it blows up in my face, but my instructor is kind of an adult, so hopefully she will be an adult about it. I used techniques that I have learned in her classes about appropriate communication, and being that she has a doctorate in social work, she should know a thing or two about how to respond appropriately as well. Except I often get disappointed, because I usually expect human services workers to be respectful and communicate appropriately, since that is what they're taught, and usually they're all huge bitches. I really hope I don't end up like that. Who knows. In other news, my only class got canceled today. Glory. I am relaxing, and cleaning some. Tomorrow my grandma, my dad's mom, the queen of clean, is coming over. I honestly don't think she cares that much if our house is messy, but my dad certainly does, and he is going to be a maniac. So I am cleaning up messes I am responsible for today, because tomorrow morning I won't be here. And I am SO GLAD. I don't want to have to put up with Clean Machine Dad. It is terrible. I'll be at work instead, from 8-2, which I eagerly signed up for. We don't have dinner until later on Thanksgiving so I won't miss anything, and the morning is looking to be easy at work. These days I think I figured out that I make $16.73 an hour on holidays, so that is well worth it. Avoiding the cleaning frenzy is just a bonus. There are lots of other things I'm thankful for, but I'll get to it tomorrow. :) 1 comment|post comment

blah [25 Nov 2008|12:48pm] swebz [ mood | pissed off ] I am so mad right now! I just got out of my field seminar class where I was completely humiliated in front of everyone. We go around and talk a little about what we're doing. I had mentioned some office work I did at another clinic out of town and out of nowhere just got blasted that I can't do that because it isn't social work and it was just like... deer in the headlights. What do you say to that? We have discussed that a little administrative work here and there is good to learn, because social workers have to do that too, but that shouldn't be all that you're doing. I didn't get to mention that I only spent a couple of hours on this. I didn't get to mention that I also got to attend a staff meeting which I had never done before. I didn't get to mention anything else I have done in the past week. I don't have a cookie cutter social work internship. There ARE no social workers at Planned Parenthood. That was part of the exciting challenge of choosing an internship that no one had ever done before. The agency doesn't fit into social work necessarily. It is more about how I can fit social work into the agency. If this was such a horrible idea maybe no one should have agreed to it or let me get this far along until they start getting pissed off. There are some issues going on at my internship that I don't yet know how to address, and I do need to talk about them with someone. But "clarifying things for the group" at the cost of making me look like a complete idiot was not the way to go about doing it. I am meeting with my off-site social work supervisor in about a half hour. She is wonderful, and a neutral party that I can talk to about things. I overdosed on my klonopin so I don't start crying when I meet with her. I just hope that I'm not comatose by the time I get to work tonight. post comment

Bad Streak Of Luck [24 Nov 2008|04:07pm] kris7288 Ok,so.... first thing's first.. i'm better as far as the sickness goes. I missed class for a whole week but i'm catching up. I haven't updated in a while because my computer caught a virus and has been in the campus IT until now... Yay for getting it back! I'm gonna go back to archie star some I was listening to one of thier songs called "What you want to be"  here's the lyric: "I don't need you, but i hate that you feel like home" Later kids, Kris 3 comments|post comment

Alethea, [24 Nov 2008|01:24pm] swebz [ mood | celebratory ] Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!! Once again you are another whole digit older than me. HAHA! But don't worry, if you are feeling old, I have lots of friends that are older than the both of us, and they will surely make you feel better. ;) 1 comment|post comment

[23 Nov 2008|01:21am] spn [ mood | friends only. ] [ music | comment to be added/spam it. ] 43 comments|post comment

[22 Nov 2008|09:22pm] swebz [ mood | sleepy ] Umm... I forgot why I logged in, and what I was going to write about. The heater in my car didn't die. Last night Sara and I noticed that it blew cold air only when the car was stopped. Once we started going again it would warm up. I told my dad about it and he was like "Oh, you're low on antifreeze." I thought that was a bizarre occurence and even weirder that he just knew what it was. So he put more in today and tightened a hose that was apparently leaking and we'll see. I went to work today and it was an enjoyable day. I missed everyone. A different nurse was filling in though, and I am kind of feeling discouraged and sad for her because she is pregnant and so does not want to have a baby right now. She has been for awhile, she is due in February, so it's not like, anything new or shocking. She's been holding it together okay but it kind of became obvious tonight that she still doesn't want it. I am very glad that she kept her baby but... I don't know. I worry about her. And the baby. And I pray that that is never me. Seeing as I work at Planned Parenthood, I feel that I am pretty knowledgeable about how NOT to get pregnant. I'm on the pill, and I still use condoms as well (I say that like I have sex on a regular basis, HA) and have more than I will probably ever use in a lifetime, at the rate I'm going. Seriously, I don't care much for sex, and if I never had it again I would be ok with that. But in the event that I did again and if those fail, I have emergency contraception, too! But still... who knows. Also, we were lazy and ate McDonald's for dinner, and my digestive system is NOT pleased with me. I didn't even eat any beef! I knew there was a good reason why I never eat there. This morning I was talking with my mom about how NOT anxious I have felt lately and how I hardly ever have to take my Klonopins anymore. I don't know why I haven't been freaking out any more than I ever know why I am freaking out when it happens. And she was just like "Well appreciate it while it lasts, you know it'll be back." I was like k, thx? 2 comments|post comment

ohhhh it's Friday [21 Nov 2008|02:01pm] swebz [ mood | weird ] [ music | josie, the mighty ipod of power ] Except I have to work this weekend. Not that I mind, really. I haven't been to work in like a week and a half. Well, THAT work. And I love my weekend crew. It's just that when I work on the weekend it's not all that exciting when Friday comes. :D It has been kind of an odd day so far. I worked out for a bit. I was on the weight machines and this one guy kept repeating the same two or three arm machines (lots of folks do, apparently that's better for you, but I can't ever decide what I want to do and I do a little bit of everything...). Every time he got done doing a few reps he would walk around the whole room stretching. So no matter where I was in the room, he kept walking past me and it was totally unnecessary, not to mention weird. Eventually it made me so uncomfortable I just left. I suppose it was fine, I had been there over an hour. I know it wasn't any sort of sexual anything, but it was still weird. I am reasonably confident I would never, ever meet a guy at the gym. Pretty sure seeing my 215 pounds of flesh in baggy workout clothing is the most entirely unappealing way I could possibly look. Not to mention I'm usually sweating, perhaps with eyeliner melting down my face. So yeah. Not happening. And of course everyone else that is there always looks perfect, like they tried to look nice while they were there. Men at the gym are just so weird. I think when I graduate I will buy a membership at Curves or something. No weird he-man athletes allowed. Right now it is pointless because the gym at school is "free." Free in the form that I pay required fees as part of my tuition which I cannot get out of. I also have free access to a gym downtown through one of my jobs. Now that it's cold out I have to use them more. Two free gyms and I don't use either of them... what a waste. In other news, I think the heater died on my car today. All of a sudden it started blowing cool air at me. That was right when I got here though, so maybe it will come back when I turn the car on again? I hope so. This is not a good time of year for such foolishness! post comment

memories [19 Nov 2008|09:45pm] swebz [ mood | nostalgic ] A song came on the radio that I haven't heard since the summertime. It made me think back to those weird nights we had. Chillin' in the park, going to Wisconsin Point and looking for your glasses, watching Arrested Development, falling asleep on your dorm floor when we had to get up at 7am. I miss it. Not like those times were any better than the here and now. They had their own highlights and their own struggles, like anything does. It's just something different, and something that is gone. It's weird how I always find myself missing the summer when I always insist I never liked summertime much. post comment

feeeeeeelings [or lack thereof] [19 Nov 2008|02:07pm] swebz [ mood | confused ] This morning: My sister: I kind of wonder how this whole Moe [my uncle] thing is affecting Dad. Me: Yeah I know. I kind of wonder how it's affecting everyone. It's not really affecting me at all, and I don't know why. My sister: Yeah, um, that REALLY pisses me off. What am I supposed to say to that? People can't just turn their feelings on and off like a switch. So why am I still not feeling anything, anyway? post comment

because it's all about the presents [18 Nov 2008|10:16pm] swebz [ mood | drained ] I got some pretty sweet things this evening. -a "lap desk" -a Lambie, and a Lambie sleep mask thinger -new Death Cab CD -gas card -the ICanHasCheezburger/LOLCats book -a desperately needed sweatshirt -holiday unda-wears -penguin socks -little things of lotion -a pretty new green industrial -Lindor truffles -a tin of macadamia nuts I am not sure why my family got so much stuff for me, but who's complaining? :) 3 comments|post comment

whee [18 Nov 2008|02:13pm] swebz [ mood | cheerful ] It is my birthday today. I'm 22. Yippee! I guess... haha. I'm not really doing anything cool for my birthday. I'm going out for some Pizza Luce with the fam later, but that's all. Once you get past 21, there isn't a whole lot to celebrate until you get like... OLD. So that's about all I'm up to. It is nice to have made it on this earth another year, though. I think back to the shenanigans of last year at the Anchor and find it amazing that that was already a whole year ago. In other news, I was overjoyed when I talked to my friend Cassie on the phone last night. She got a job as a social worker in town and is staying here after graduation. She is from down by the cities, so not like she would be far away, but she is graduating in December and I was pretty upset at the thought of her leaving. We were stuck in all of our core classes together, all day every day it seems, and she is one of the like 2 people from the social work program I actually like. I also felt a little better after talking with her, because she is having the same issues as me with not really having friends anymore. She goes to work and goes to school and goes to sleep and that is all. It is a weird adjustment, I think. She interns for 30 hours a week and takes like, one class, so neither one of us spends much time on campus. It is weird how that matters so much even though it shouldn't. I think I'm learning about what it means to have friends. All my life with this silly government mandated education deal, having friends was easy. You see 'em everyday. Now that I don't have this giant institution that I spend all my time at, I don't see people. A lot of my friends have been friends out of convenience. I work with them or I go to school with them and that's why we're friends. Once I don't go to that school or work at that place anymore, it's over. You say it won't be, but it usually is. Pursuing friendships, like actually putting forth an effort, has never been something I was great at. I'm a lazy person, after all! When I do put forth an effort, I always think to myself "Why am I even trying, [this person] doesn't care either way." This is why I'm also kind of a crappy girlfriend. I don't want to put forth any effort, I just want the reward of having a meaningful relationship, and it doesn't work that way. I am trying though, if only with a couple of people in my life. After all, when I am in a relationship where I have to do ALL the work, it gets tiring quickly and I usually stop. My friends don't want to have to constantly take the initiative with me, either. There has to be a balance. I get this lazy attitude from my parents. They don't have anyone they consistently keep in touch with on even a weekly basis, besides of course coworkers. They don't spend time with anyone else, they don't have meaningful relationships with anyone, not even each other, really. They can go out in public and run into all sorts of people that they know, but none of them actually mean anything. I don't want to end up like that. I don't have to know everyone, just appreciate and work on what I have and let the rest fade away. With old age comes wisdom...? 1 comment|post comment

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